Not Your Typical Blanket
by King Baka
Summary: My short, goofy twist on the famous blanket scenario. No lemons, but rated for moderate sexual content and naughty language. Enjoy!


Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I'm just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I've created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.

A/N – My short, goofy twist on the famous blanket scenario. No lemons, but rated for moderate sexual content and naughty language. Enjoy!

Not Your Typical Blanket

Inuyasha stared up into the dancing campfire, his heart racing in his chest. This was one of the most stressful experiences he had ever endured. He would have preferred battling Naraku with one hand tied behind his back to this. How, exactly, had it turned out this way?

* * *

It all started, as trouble often did, with Kagome's declaration that she sensed a shard of the Shikon no Tama. The Inu-gang had just finished making camp for the night, but they could not afford to pass up an opportunity to collect a jewel shard when it wandered into their laps. The possessor of the shard turned out to be a giant hare, as tall at the flank as a man. It didn't seem to be a youkai, but rather just a normal hare that the shard had given a growth spurt. But youkai or no, the thing was _fast_, as Inuyasha discovered when he tried to catch it. One step too close and the hare was gone, and it was all Inuyasha could do to keep up with it. He knew he could overtake it on a flat field, but the hare seemed to be more graceful than him in its forest home. And that was saying something.

Two minutes passed and Inuyasha failed to close the gap. Even Kirara had trouble keeping pace, laden with three humans and a young kitsune. But hares were sprinters, and even with the power of the Shikon no Tama it soon started to fade. Within another minute or so, Inuyasha had nearly caught up. By this point he was not only driven by their goal of acquiring more jewel shards, but also by the prospect of having rabbit stew for dinner. All of this running was making him damn hungry.

They skirted around the edge of a large pond, still frozen over though there was hardly any snow left on the ground. Inuyasha leapt at an angle, traveling over the edge of the ice and timing it so he would come down right on the hare's back. But the beast's eyes were positioned almost perfectly on the sides of its head, so it saw him coming. Showing excellent reaction time, it dodged to the side and deftly fired its long hind leg toward the incoming hanyou. The kick caught Inuyasha squarely in the stomach and sent him flying through the air. He landed on his back and slid along the hard ice, temporarily stunned. He tried to draw breath and found his body physically unable to do so for several moments, until finally his lungs began to recover.

"Inuyasha!"

He looked toward the source of the cry to see that Kirara had broken off her pursuit of the hare and was flying toward him. Kagome swung both of her legs over to one side, and Inuyasha's eyes widened in alarm. He tried to tell her not to jump down; he could already hear the ice cracking around him, and was not sure it would bear both of their weights. But all he could muster was a choked gasp, and sure enough Kagome landed a few meters from him and ran-skidded the rest of the way to his side. By this time he was up, standing on shaking knees with a hand clutched over his gut. He had never been "punched" so hard in his life; his entire stomach would be bruised for some time. But that was the least of his concerns.

The hare was coming out onto the ice. Spotting this, Miroku too slid off of Kirara to give Sango greater freedom of movement and to put himself between the hare and its quarry, including the temporarily-incapacitated hanyou.

But if the Shikon no Tama made the hare's body bigger, it had also enlarged its brain, in both the literal and figurative senses. There was a certain cold calculating air in the creature's eyes as it studied them, and when it raised its right foot and pulled back its puffy lips, Inuyasha could almost imagine that it was sneering at them. And when that foot came down, all hell broke loose.

The central crack in the ice shot toward them unbelievably fast, radiating out into hundreds of smaller fissures. There was no time to scramble to safety, remount Kirara, or even to feel anger towards the hare as it hopped to the edge of the pond and vanished into the forest. All Inuyasha could do was react to the extra loud snapping sound he _swore_ came from right underneath his feet. He shoved Kagome to the side, hoping she did not fall and hurt herself, and braced for a short drop and a cold landing.

But neither event came to pass. Instead, what actually happened was far worse. Both Miroku and Kagome dropped through the ice at nearly the same time, both having apparently managed to find patches of weaker ice. The miko's descent was punctuated by a surprised shriek that was terrifyingly cut off by the water as her head went under. Inuyasha did not begin to breathe again until she rose to the surface, coughing and sputtering. He swore aloud, but there would be time later to question his hearing and berate his actions. Now he needed to get her out of that water.

Within minutes, all four of them were back at camp. Inuyasha had somehow managed to pick himself across the fragile ice with Kagome in his arms, and Sango had pulled Miroku onto Kirara's back using some reserve of strength she didn't know she possessed. Taijiya and hanyou gazed at their two freezing companions in concern. Both were soaked to the bone, shivering uncontrollably, and seemingly on the verge of losing consciousness. Neither appeared to be especially coherent or aware of his or her surroundings. This was not good.

"You know what needs to be done, Inuyasha," Sango declared.

Inuyasha gulped. It was true; he did know. He knew that a dry towel and change of clothes would not be enough, even with a roaring fire to sit around—the night air was simply too chilly. No, what Kagome and Miroku needed was contact with a warm body—flesh on flesh contact—inside of a sleeping roll. Fortunately, they had two such rolls, as Sango had taken to using one as well. Steeling his resolve and knowing that they did not have much time, Inuyasha began undoing the ties to his haori as he moved toward Kagome.

"And where do you think you're going?" Sango demanded, just a hint of amusement in her tone.

Inuyasha was dumbfounded. Isn't this what she meant? He motioned helplessly to Kagome and her sleeping bag in turn, unable to actually utter the words. But Sango only shook her head slightly and did something truly horrifying. She pointed at Miroku.

Inuyasha's eyes nearly bugged out of his skull. "Wha—" he tried, tripping over his own tongue. "I—you—Kagome…" Finally he found his voice. It wouldn't, _couldn't_ go down like this!

"You warm him up! He's your damn 'love interest!'"

"That doesn't matter," Sango replied hurriedly, though her cheeks did pink slightly. "Houshi-sama is much bigger than me, so I'll have a hard time warming him up. Kagome-chan and I are about the same size, and you and Houshi-sama are about the same size. You take him."

Inuyasha opened his mouth to protest further, but Sango beat him to it. "You do want _both_ of them to recover, don't you?"

It was a dirty trick, guilt-tripping him like that, but Inuyasha knew he had lost. Sango wasn't going to back down on this, and he couldn't in good conscience advocate for a course of action that might put Miroku in danger. Grumbling under his breath, he grabbed the monk by the back of his waterlogged robes and dragged him over to the sleeping bag.

"If you look over here I'll have Kagome-chan 'osuwari' you about a hundred times later," Sango told him, and this time Inuyasha was sure she was laughing on the inside.

"Keh."

* * *

So here he was, lying naked in a sleeping bag with Miroku, also naked. At Sango's urging, he was also practically spooning the guy, rubbing his arms and legs against Miroku's to try to coax some heat back into his still-cold body. He and Kagome were unconscious, but breathing steadily, and their lips were no longer blue. But they were not out of the woods yet, so he reluctantly continued his ministrations.

*rub rub rub*

*rub rub rub*

…

…

What kind of fucked up situation was this, anyway?!

Inuyasha wanted to scream, wanted to rage against the heavens and curse his fool head off. But all he could do was lie there giving another man a fucking full-body massage_._ How could this possibly get any worse?

It was as if the Kami had heard his silent inquiry. Miroku chose that moment to stir, curling in on himself and groaning wistfully.

"Mmmm…Sango…"

Inuyasha blanched, stamping down his rising panic. The bouzu was _not_ going to have one of _those_ dreams right now! He reached back and socked the sleeping lecher in the shoulder, hard.

"Wake up, you jackass!"

Miroku jolted awake, sputtering in disorientation. The last thing he remembered was staring into the campfire as Inuyasha and Sango argued about something incomprehensible. But as his senses came back to him, he could guess what the quarrel had been about. No wonder Inuyasha was so pissed, though Miroku could not say he blamed him. Still, the whole scenario was quite amusing to him, and he could not help but chuckle.

"Are you warm enough yet, bouzu?" Inuyasha demanded, clearly seeking permission to get the hell out of the sleeping bag.

"Hm…" Miroku drawled, deciding to have some fun with this. "I still feel pretty cold. Can you hold me closer, Inuyasha?"

"Fuck off!"

For a moment Miroku was afraid that Inuyasha was really going to leave him alone in the sleeping bag, but the hanyou only rolled over and settled himself petulantly so the only thing touching were their upper backs. Still, the monk was grateful for the body heat radiating off of his friend, and decided not to push it any further…for the moment. Inuyasha was simply fun to tease, so he wasn't sure he could resist the temptation if the opportunity arose later. The hanyou was just so uptight about anything sexually-related. They were so different in this regard it was almost comical. Miroku didn't enjoy sharing this sleeping bag with Inuyasha, but he wasn't repulsed by the hanyou's touch either. It was a necessity, and there was nothing really uncomfortable about it for him.

Perhaps that was because he was secure in his sexuality. Inuyasha, on the other hand, seemed to find it necessary to flaunt his masculinity at every conceivable opportunity, i.e. running around hacking things with a huge sword, behaving gruffly most of the time, and picking fights with every other male that came within sniffing distance. And he was so damn _nervous_ around women! It was as if the very mention of anything sexual set his nerves on edge. And it was clear that Inuyasha found something sexual about sharing this sleeping bag with him, which Miroku thought was foolish. A situation was only sexual if two people allowed it to be, a fact which the dense hanyou didn't seem to understand. But he supposed he couldn't completely blame Inuyasha for his folly; an utter lack of respectable male role models growing up had undoubtedly warped his sense of sexuality. Not having hardly any interaction with women before Kikyou hadn't helped either. But Miroku would not show mercy; it was good for the closeted hanyou to have these experiences, to interact with other people in sexually-charged settings. Yes, that was the reason why he would continue to tease him…well, part of the reason. It was also damn fun.

"Are you okay, Houshi-sama?"

Her soft voice broke him from his musings, as he shifted his gaze to the two figures lying across the campfire. Sango observed him calmly, though her eyes shone with concern. Kagome still slept, the surface of the sleeping bag undulating regularly as Sango massaged her cold skin. Miroku suddenly found himself more than a little disappointed by the arrangements. Oh, to be in Kagome's place right about now…

"I'm fine," he answered her honestly. "Still cold, but I won't lose any body parts. You know, Sango, we could—"

"Don't say it, Houshi-sama," Sango cut him off, though there was more amusement in her tone than exasperation. "That ship has sailed. Ask Inuyasha."

Now, Miroku found her last two words extremely interesting, almost as interesting as the way the hanyou's back tensed up. It was amazing how Inuyasha seemed to be the most truthful with himself during moments of grave danger. He started chuckling again.

"Shut up, bouzu," the hanyou growled warningly.

"Why, Inuyasha my friend, I had no idea you were such a sly dog."

"I said shut up!"

Even Sango giggled a bit at that; both of them could practically sense Inuyasha turning beat red. He had probably tried to claim Kagome without even really thinking about it, or the repercussions. The dope didn't even realize how in love with her he was.

A few minutes of silence descended upon the clearing, until at last Kagome too began to stir. Unlike Miroku she was not forced to suffer a rude awakening. It took several moments after her eyes blinked open for clarity and understanding to return to her gaze. But when she saw him grinning at her she sighed in relief and smiled at him in return. Typical Kagome, more concerned with the safety of others than with her own.

"How are you feeling, Kagome-chan?" Sango asked from behind her.

She shivered in response. "Okay, I guess. Still c-c-cold! Thanks, Sango-chan," she said, shifting closer to her female warming pad.

"No problem, Kagome-chan," Sango replied, wrapping her arms around her friend.

Miroku felt his mouth go dry. Their movements had caused the edge of the sleeping bag to slip down just slightly, revealing the tops of their shoulders to his suddenly hungry gaze. Combined with their tousled hair, flushed cheeks, and tender voices…they almost seemed like post-coital lovers. And all of a sudden, Miroku found that he was having trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy. He didn't bother to try, instead allowing his mind to wander down a very pleasant road…

A hard elbow to the ribs quickly put a damper on his imagination.

"Bouzu!" Inuyasha whispered angrily. "Get those thoughts out of your head. I swear, if you pop a boner I'll fucking castrate you!"

Miroku restrained his mirth this time, mostly due to the throbbing pain in his ribs. He still found this rather hysterical though. With their close proximity, Inuyasha could probably detect every small change in his body's scent, a fact which the hanyou was obviously not happy about. This just got better and better.

"Hey, Kagome?"

"Yes, Shippou-chan?"

"What's a boner?"

Whether it was a barked laugh, a horrified grunt, or a shocked gasp, none of the members of the Inu-gang could stay quiet at that question. The fox kit, who had been sitting worriedly by the fire waiting for his friends to wake up, could not resist satisfying a curiosity. If Inuyasha wasn't buck naked, he probably would have leapt up and strangled the kid. He had said that too quietly for the women to hear for a reason, dammit!

Kagome gaped like a fish out of water, until eventually Sango came to her rescue.

"Shippou-chan, that's something you should ask Houshi-sama when you're older," she told him, glaring at the offending monk. Kagome followed suit; they both realized who the culprit was here. Miroku shrugged helplessly, as if to ask how he could fail to become aroused with two gorgeous beauties lying nude so close by. Both women rolled their eyes. Kagome for one was beginning to feel quite sorry for the hanyou currently sharing his personal space with the lecherous monk.

"Inuyasha, are you okay? You aren't cold, are you?"

It was a stupid question, one Inuyasha would normally have called her on, but he settled for a noncommittal grunt in reply. He was so annoyed right now that if he opened his mouth he would end up alienating everyone. He could tell by the tone of Kagome's voice that she felt bad for him—as she damn well should—and he wanted to keep it that way. Far better to receive sympathy than anger, especially from Kagome. Maybe he could wrangle some extra ramen from her later…

"Don't treat him like the victim here, Kagome-sama," Miroku stated, voice dripping with delight. "To hear Sango tell it, she had to practically yank his ear to get him to take me instead of you."

"She did?"

Inuyasha made a mental note to give Miroku a nice kick in the balls the next time they were alone. That was what it felt like the jackass had just done to him. Kagome's last surprised declaration had held no censure, but once she had time to think about it he was sure she would be royally pissed. She would call him a pervert, not entirely unjustifiably, and he would be lucky to escape with less than fifty 'osuwari.' So as the seconds ticked by, and no indication of a rabid miko made itself known, he was more than a little bewildered.

"Oh, just look at her, you baka," the monk muttered smugly, as if he had known all along how Kagome would react. Now painfully curious, Inuyasha did as he was bid.

What he saw put his wildest imagination to shame. She was…smiling at him? Shyly, both cheeks flushed prettily, as if she was equally pleased and flattered. Inuyasha quickly sank into a state of mental constipation. How could she ignore the entirely sexual undertones of his desire to 'warm her up?' He supposed she could be grateful that he had thought of her first, but wasn't he still a huge pervert? Either she didn't think so…or she didn't mind the sexual undertones?

Now he was sure his face was the color of his haori. Finally, Kagome broke off her gaze, freeing him from her enrapturing stare. But this little revelation had given him much to think about, none of it bad. Was the warmth in his chest his heart fluttering or the byproduct of a swelling male ego? Either way, it was a good feeling. Perhaps he wouldn't kick the bouzu in the balls too hard after all.

"W-what about you, Shippou-chan?" Kagome asked, clearly seeking to change the subject of the conversation. "You didn't fall into the water, did you?"

"No, I'm fine. A little cold though," the kit answered hopefully, and was rewarded when the miko beamed and opened her arms. Shippou immediately scampered into her embrace and sighed happily as her arms wrapped around him. Both were grateful for the added warmth and soothing presence of the other.

Unbeknownst to the two males across the campsite, both of them shared an identical thought at this turn of events. _Why that lucky little shit…_

As if he could sense the hostility, Shippou cracked an eye open. Seeing the two jealous glares, he stuck out his tongue and snuggled deeper into Kagome's chest.

Her naked chest. Which Shippou was allowed access to, and Inuyasha and Miroku were not.

Lucky little shit, indeed.

While Inuyasha fumed behind him, Miroku once again allowed his mind to wander. Suddenly it was him instead of Shippou in that bag, and he was lying in between the two lovely ladies, who were stretched out languidly at his sides. They traced patterns on his chest, cooing and worshipping his handsome form.

"Please, Miroku-sama," Kagome pleaded, "let me go first."

"No, Houshi-sama," Sango begged, "do me first."

Ah, this was the life. Desired by two gorgeous women, one of whom he was romantically interested in. And the other had the same beauty as a rose just before full bloom. And the best part? They were happy to share. He groaned softly, closing his eyes and fully immersing himself in the fantasy.

…

…

"DAMMIT, BOUZU!"

End

A/N – If you've made it to this point I hope you're laughing by now. It felt good to be writing original material again. I'll try to think of some more ideas like this and see where they take me. Thanks for reading!

King Baka


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